Anyone for Clackers? Clackers, Conception, and Cartel Confessionals

In The Man with the Pink Sombrero, cartel boss Armando Lopez finds himself kneeling in a confessional, seeking spiritual (and slightly absurd) fertility advice from a Rabinos priest. His mission? Conceive a son. His threat? That certain sacred anatomy might be turned into a pair of Clackers if the good priest can’t deliver results. Lopez is nothing if not persuasive.

For those unfamiliar with the cultural treasure that is Clackers—welcome to the chaos. In the '60s and '70s, kids across the globe were obsessed with two hard acrylic balls on a string. You’d swing them up and down in a rhythmic arc until they clacked together with a sound somewhere between machine gun fire and your dad’s dentures flying across the room. The higher your arc, the louder the clack. The more dramatic the bruises.

They were addictive, incredibly satisfying, and mildly explosive. Which, of course, meant they were super banned. (Thanks again, Health & Safety.)

I remember the bruises well. At my charming Knoll School for Boys (read my memoir The Hate Game for further details), bigger kids thought it was hilarious to clack them off your forehead. It was like dodgeball meets blunt force trauma. We survived—barely.

Clackers in the Confessional

Back to the Sombrero book—Lopez isn’t just reminiscing. His reference to Clackers becomes a bizarre but oddly motivational speech to the priest, wrapped in fertility rituals, righteous fury, and a longing for legacy. Spoiler alert: it works. His wife soon finds herself with child. Praise be to the Divine Radish—or perhaps, the power of retro toys.

Should You Buy a Pair?

Recently, I spotted a bold orange set of Clackers in a local shop. Tempting, right? Christmas stocking filler? Bridal party goodie bag? Baptismal souvenir?

Okay, maybe not. But the nostalgia is real.

For more awkward fertility rituals and wildly inappropriate toys:

Read The Man with the Pink Sombrero – where cartel life meets Catholicism, comedy, and clacking carnage.

I came across a nice orange pair of clackers in a local store in Mexico. An excellent gift for a friend or relative who takes a vow of silence and joins a Buddhist retreat or enters the Roman Catholic priesthood.

#justkidding

#themanwiththepinksombrero

#clackers

#mexico2024